Posted in Humor, Opinion

Dear ToI Online

These days Arnab Goswami is busy screaming from the right bottom of my browser window. I derive immense satisfaction in hitting the pause button and closing that tiny window. The effort people take in making sure nobody hears how much they can blabber is mind boggling. He seems to have found a commendable spot to vent his frustration. May be that is where I drew my inspiration to revive this blog.

But before going into more details,  I should thank the many advertisers who paid to take up space in the landing page of ToI’s online edition. This, by far, is the most ingenious and utilitarian ad placement I have known. In a more rational world, the readers should be paying you. We were one click away from being spotted watching adult entertainment, before you came in as the ‘night in shining armor’ and saved our face. The fact that a lot of people are found giving a pensive look to the wallpaper when caught off guard by an onlooker is a different tale altogether.

While I ponder about the difference between Top News Stories and Latest News, there are some very informative, strategically placed videos to consume my bandwidth . The baits include finding out why Salman Khan woke up late today, Mysterious paper boat found floating in rainwater, Minister dancing in wedding …

Thank you for your wooing lessons. Your slideshows are impressively educative. I get to know the top 10 reasons why I should be cooking with olive oil today and why I should stop using olive oil for 10 reasons the next day. By stringently viewing your 10-day-flat abs news piece, I can recall the routine in reverse order now. Wake me up in the middle of the night, and I can tell you who ran away with somebody else’s wife.

The law of diminishing returns is fully operational on scrolling down the home page. Sunny Leone and Poonam Pandey refuse to budge and make way for new entrants. If your readership is dwindling, hope you are reading this ? 😉

The news that matters and the news with matter are clearly different things, I suppose.

Posted in Humor, Opinion

Pigeons and the messenger birds

Living in Hyderabad, I end up sharing a good amount of my balcony with pigeons. They are very good for my ego, with their feathers getting ruffled the very instant I open the door, so much so that they take flight and flee. But seeing them jobless instigated the manager in me. How can somebody sleep all day and then occupy my balcony for free? Whoever allowed these traditional messengers to retire at birth?

Continuing along this obviously unnecessary line of thought, have you ever considered the ridiculousness of using Whatsapp? (Whatsup, wassup to the esoteric).

A: Are you on Whatsapp?

B: Of course I am . Add me.

And lo, look how close we are. Let us do everything that is becoming of a Whatsapp  relationship -Mutually add one another to random groups, recursively circulate bits of medical information that tell you why you should be dead by now, receive 400 good mornings and respond to the 400th with a Good night, mysteriously smile at the off-colour joke that just landed, wait till your eyes bleed to download the video of a cat chasing a dog, and few days later, furiously change privacy settings to make sure you are not caught online by your Whatsapp society. (Joining a group is the equivalent of Hotel California -You can never leave, unless you want to risk being called socially inept)

To make sure I am doing justice, there are professional users too. Nice, unknown messiahs who add you to a Whatsapp marketing group and tirelessly send you photos and offers of things you don’t need.

In order to maintain healthy Whatsapp relationships, one needs to periodically update the ‘DP; (ewww, what a term) with photographs of their ‘selfie-propelled new hair style’ , their dog, their cat or their child. That saves time for circulating more forwards on world history and jokes that are longer than the latest Archer bestseller.

And that, my dear, explains why it is easy to pass off looking like a clown today, than it was 10 years ago. Nobody is looking at you anyway !

How I wish to experience the romantic era of a message on a pigeon’s claws, a messenger on a horse, pen friends and mail vans. Guess our generation needs to be happy with a courier from the eKart delivery guy 😉

Posted in Humor, Opinion

There she goes …

“Women drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them but they can’t see you.  “

Well …  That does tickle the funny bone, doesn’t it ?  But there is no denying a lot of other things… like…

We are a compassionate lot… we feel sorry for a bump on our enemy’s car

We don’t drive the stone-deaf mini-trucks / relic water lorries / screeching share- autos

At any point in time, the number of sober ‘us’ is more than the number of sober ‘you’

We don’t manhandle the rear view mirror of others’ cars so our bikes can pass through

Gravity defying stuff with a motorbike  (for you know what) is not our style

We were not responsible for recycling footpaths into motorbike tracks.

We don’t bully poor drivers by honking when the signal is Red

All we ask is for a ‘little more space’ to move about the road , and an equal opportunity to get confused between right and left 😉

Posted in Opinion

Why no moral science graduates?

Two years ago, a good number of people were out protesting on the roads and in social media – supporting the cause of ‘Nirbhaya’.

One year ago, the TOI came up with statistics : One rape every 30 minutes in India

Post this statistics, Uber cool incidents have taken place.

But what have we done as citizens? Sadly, majority have hopped on to a different topic ‘trending on twitter’.

Somewhere, we forget the need for an ultimate objective when we start any movement for change.

And it fizzles down to a series of Facebook posts and Like buttons, making Mark Zuckerberg a rich man.

The magnitude of the issue is far greater if we consider what goes on in rural India.

Is the dwindling gender ratio being addressed?  It is a known fact that ‘Lower the gender ratio, greater will be the crime rate’.

We need innovative campaigns that nail the issue. For example, there was an interesting anti-smoking initiative by a radio station a few years ago. People found smoking in public were embarrassed with a garland of cigarettes and drums beating around them.

How many of us silently live through harassment in public transport? Has anyone ever dared to stop a bus because a fellow passenger has misbehaved? Not many, isn’t it?. True to the misrepresented and misunderstood ‘spirit of being an Indian woman’, we endure anything and everything.

And then, a good number of us wallow in self-pity. Even worse, when a child is not comfortable having a particular uncle or aunty around, we go back and educate the child on good manners. The fact that someone known to us could be abusing our child has 0 probability in our thoughts. To go one step further, as a culture, we hesitate to call the cops or the ambulance as readily as they do in the western world.

How many schools give due importance to moral living ?

A kid should not score anything less than 90% in Physics and Maths but it is more than sufficient to scrape through Moral Sciences and Home Sciences.

Education alone will not help. Neither will capital punishment – Esp in a country where getting convicted portends a bright political career .

Posted in Humor, Opinion

Wardrobe Malfunction

Another burst of creativity , or may be I am more bored. You see, that is where the confusion begins. I am perennially confused. Those fleeting moments when my confusion leaves me, I am depressed. Confusion saves me from the many troubles of exploring uncharted terrains and reaching glorious heights. Who said the view at the top is worth it? I think a Sony Bravia does a better job.

And so the rant continues, albeit 2 years later.

Clothes maketh the man, I heard. The day I saw a Dhinchak Dhoti worn with black boots, Clothes shaketh my faith. After that, my sartorial experience has been quite downhill. Wasn’t Rajnikanth’s shoe-sense in Muthu supposed to be the worst thing that could happen? How can a living mortal surpass that one?

It shouldn’t take more than a pea-sized brain to put some basic colours together. Mr. Moron dressed to the T in Brown and Blue, designer sun glasses at 7 in the evening, you don’t save much by buying a small shirt that bursts at the seams. Your fat cells must be laughing at your idea of hiding that pot belly in those sutures.

Amidst the ubiquitous jeans, ill-fitting Tees and ample plastic jewelry, comes the diva sashaying in an Anarkali suit for every occasion. If all that is left after the suit is a wee bit of your toe peeping out, then maybe this suit is for someone else? Although the Sanjay Leela Bhansali look makes one feel royal on the first try,  it presents a duck -like demeanor to the onlooker quite often. And no, a stole is no replacement for a Dupatta (and please, Dupatta is not a shawl).

And so I look up, in awe, at the many women and men who have cracked the code of fine dressing. Elegance, refinement, subtlety wrapped in one. But it is not before long that I find myself saying,” What an icky snob! ”

I suppose it takes all kinds. And it is fun to slide between the extremes. 😉